Ticking Time Bomb
by Writer McWriterlyface
Summary: DaveJade Week 2016 - Day 5: Time. Dave is stuck in a mansion with a cliché 1920s mobster bomb. Jade is stuck in the wrong universe. (Only rated T for profanity.)


This is the way I thought Homestuck would go at some point during Act 4: the kids would escape their session and meet up with the trolls and then they would go to the green Alternian moon and get involved with the Felt and Midnight Crew's insane mob war and it would be a beautiful combination of epic sci-fi and film noir storytelling. That, of course, didn't happen, but I still dream in that AU occasionally because it's awesome.

This is set after a battle where the Midnight Crew wiped out some of the Felt and then some of the players show up and there's a crazy three-way battle that I probably ought to explore more in a different piece.

You can also find this story on my AO3 (Snowy_the_Sane_Fangirl), my DeviantArt (SnowytheSaneFangirl), my Tumblr (dog-ears-and-shades), or my Wordpress (sanefangirl).

* * *

By the time Dave found the bomb it was already down to less than sixty seconds, as per the stereotypical movie norm. All he needed now was for a damsel in distress and a hardboiled detective to be tied up next to it. Oh, yeah, and the fabric of spacetime to be in one fucking piece. That would be nice. He adjusted his iShades and opened a new chat.

 **TG: okay i found a bomb and its the most stereotypical thing from a fucking 1920s mobster movie which leaves exactly zero doubt as to who put it here**  
 **TG: shits big enough to blow this whole place to kingdom come judging by the sheer amount of shit that is here**  
 **TG: and also i somehow doubt the playing card douches would do this halfway**  
 **TG: how the fuck do I turn it off you might be asking**  
 **TG: easy right cut the red wire**  
 **TG: nope not fucking easy because all the fucking wires are red**  
 **TG: shit might look cliche as fuck but it looks like the little shits are pretty genre savvy**  
 **TG: you got anything for me harley**

There was an agonizing two second pause and then the reply came.

 **GG: i dont know a lot about bombs unless theyre atomic**  
 **GG: and even then i would have to see it to disarm it!**  
 **TG: yeah this isnt atomic were talking probably dynamite or something appropriately 1920s cliche**  
 **TG: god damn do these assholes love their 1920s cliches i bet they listen to jazz music and drink black market alcohol in their spare time**  
 **TG: also were at t minus forty three seconds so if you have anything for me now would be good**  
 **GG: have you asked anyone else?**  
 **TG: what fucking egbert and his coding disasters i wouldnt trust him within twenty feet of this shit**  
 **TG: rose already gave me everything she has ergo the most fortuitous route is if i disarm the fucking bomb wow no shit lalonde**  
 **TG: i wouldnt even know which fucking troll to start with and there are twelve of them i dont have time to pester that shit**  
 **TG: how about this what if i blow the bomb up with a bigger bomb**  
 **GG: that would be a bad idea. :P**  
 **GG: karkat caught one of the carapacian mobsters, ill tell him to ask him!**

Dave turned his attention back to the mess of wires and what looked like dynamite in front of him, with the annoying little countdown timer. Fuck that timer. He didn't need to know how long it would be until his inevitable doom. How fucking ironic that he, the Knight of fucking Time, and a fully realized god tier one at that, was suffering from a shortage of time. He could, in theory, grab the bomb and drag it years into the future or the past and then abscond the fuck out of there and let it detonate in peace. He'd even been working on a technique to slow or freeze time. However, neither of those were viable options in his current location, the Felt Mansion. In a place where one was liable to step into the past by taking a wrong turn, one didn't time jump until they'd had months, maybe even years, to get used to it, recognize the signs, and not catch themselves up in a paradox or tear themselves in two or accidentally make a not-quite doomed version of themselves, which the troll Time player had managed to do. Point was, if Dave tried to screw with Time, he was as likely to make twenty copies of the bomb as he was to actually remove it. Especially considering how spacetime had sort of stopped functioning by its usual rules when the two squishy food-themed morons had turned up. Dave and Aradia had both been taken out of commission for that battle, because experiencing the flow of Time as intimately as one experiences blood flowing through their veins and then suddenly having that folded, twisted, ripped, and its very nature changed was not a fun time. He was still having a hard time focusing on Time, and he wasn't sure if he tried to time jump, that he might not go ten times the length in the wrong direction.

It had stood to reason that if the Felt gang had two members who were in the habit of fucking shit up so thoroughly, and by shit he meant Time, they must also have a way to fix it, or all of reality would have come apart at the edges by now. Dave and Aradia and at some point her not-doomed-doomed self had set out to search for it. Doomed-ish Aradia had found a coat made of the fabric of spacetime. A few minutes later, Dave had found a bomb surrounded by playing calling cards.

 **GG: okay i have bad news and good news**  
 **GG: the bad news is that karkats prisoner got away**  
 **GG: the good news is that the copies from our session just turned up and im on pretty good terms with them!**  
 **TG: what you mean jack noir the omnipotent dog psychopath**  
 **TG: yeah sign me up to trust him**  
 **GG: well do you have other options?**  
 **TG: yeah how about you teleport the fuck in here and teleport the bomb the fuck out**  
 **TG: you can basically teleport anywhere now right**  
 **GG: anywhere within the known universe, but unfortunately im still in our universe**  
 **GG: i have to figure out a way to get into the troll universe before i can do anything!**  
 **TG: great okay so what does hellhound the worse have to say about dynamite bombs in the completely theoretical situation where his lot sets one of them up and all the wires happen to be red**  
 **GG: he says to cut the third and fifth ones from the back!**  
 **TG: okay done**  
 **TG: the timers still counting down is it supposed to do that**  
 **GG: oh no...**  
 **TG: what**  
 **TG: dont leave me hanging here harley whats the matter**  
 **TG: keep your fucking ellipses out of this conversation**  
 **GG: im so sorry dave i shouldnt have trusted him!**  
 **GG: the bomb cant be disarmed at all anymore!**  
 **TG: yeah wow the guy who wants all of us but you because dog genes dead yay big surprise**  
 **TG: its not like youre in any fucking danger youre not even in this universe**  
 **GG: well if you were so sure he would lie then why did you do it?**  
 **TG: ITS NOT LIKE I HAVE A LOT OF FUCKING OPTIONS RIGHT NOW HARLEY**

Dave closed the chat window, regretting the outburst even before he saw the blur of green text pop up. He didn't bother to read it. He had a fucking bomb that needed taking care of. Twenty-two seconds left on the countdown and almost in the center of the mansion, meaning there was no chance of carrying it out. The place was full of trolls and John, some of them injured, some of them trapped in little islands of safety among the streams of fucked up Time that would spit out paradoxes like the paradox assembly line at the paradox factory. If this bomb went off they were all dead.

\- turntechGodhead **[TG]** began pestering grimAuxiliatrix **[GA]** at ?! #RQT$$^$##%%% -

 **TG: hey sewing troll**  
 **TG: whatever the fuck your name is**  
 **TG: i dont suppose theres any chance youre going to be able to fix the fabric of spacetime in the next twenty seconds**  
 **GA: Who Are You**  
 **TG: im the human time player you can swoon over me later**  
 **GA: What Is A Human**  
 **TG: oh my fucking fuck**

\- turntechGodhead **[TG]** ceased pestering grimAuxiliatrix **[GA]** at ?!#$%^^ &*$&#%&TWT -

turntechGodhead **[TG]** at ?#Q^% &#*&&$& opened memo on board fuck

 **TG: okay this is an open psa to everyone**  
 **TG: everyone who is currently in the felt mansion during the weird time crisis shit**  
 **TG: if thats not when you are right now then just ignore this**  
 **TG: get the fuck out of this mansion its about to get blown off the face of the fucking moon**  
 **TG: if you can get out get the fuck out**  
 **TG: and try to take the fabric of spacetime with you i dont even want to know what happens if that gets blown up**  
 **TG: not that ill get the chance**

gardenGnostic **[GG]** TRT$%Y & ? responded to memo

 **GG: dave strider dont you fucking ignore me!**  
 **TG: kind of got a lot on my mind right now harley**  
 **GG: where is the bomb dave?**  
 **TG: its in the middle of the fucking felt mansion where do you think it is las vegas**  
 **TG: oh man shit it just eloped to las vegas with one of these clocks**  
 **TG: wow sorry guys crisis over unless you happen to be in las vegas i guess**  
 **GG: DAVE!**  
 **TG: like right in the middle on the ground floor why**

gardenGnostic **[GG]** RAL5%%?!# & ceased responding to memo

 **TG: oh now whos ignoring who way to leave me hanging**  
 **TG: lovely last conversation see you in the bubbles i guess we can fucking pick up from there when im dead**

turntechGodhead **[TG]** #$?#$%TG ceased responding to memo

Dave turned back to the bomb, minimizing all the windows open on his shades so that he could see the instrument of his demise clearly. Eight seconds left. He supposed it wasn't too late to make a run for it but he knew he wouldn't get very far. Only eleven seconds remained on the countdown. Ten. He decaptchalogued his sword and raised it above the bomb, figuring that he might trigger it a whopping nine seconds early but at least he didn't run the risk of duplicating it. Before he could bring his weapon down, however, he suddenly felt woozy and his mild headache returned full force. He stumbled backwards, away from the bomb and what must have been a weak point in spacetime, and straight into an even worse broken spot. It must have taken three or four seconds of staggering before he finally fell and discovered that the closer to the floor he got the stabler things were. Thus, he missed the moment when Jade Harley teleported into the room and then vanished, along with the bomb. He slowly rolled over and then stared in some surprise at the place where it had been. His first thought was that he'd stumbled backwards in time to before it had been set, but he was forced to reevaluate when, with a green flash that could barely be seen in the overwhelmingly green mansion, Jade Harley appeared.

"Are you okay?" she asked, stepping forward and then immediately stepping back, evidently aware of the break in reality just in front of her.

"What the fuck just happened?" Dave asked. "No, don't answer that. How the fuck are you here? I thought you couldn't teleport between universes."

"Oh, I found a loophole!" she said. "Well, Jack showed me a loophole. Well, I made Jack show me a loophole, and now he's sulking. It's kind of complicated. It has to do with the Green Sun."

Dave thought really hard about objecting, because that was really fucking convenient. But he didn't. Convenient was just fine. Nobody was objecting to the convenience. "Where did you take the bomb?" he asked.

Jade waved her hand. "Somewhere out in the middle of space." She glanced around, wrinkling her nose at the sight of Dave's sword on the floor. "You were going to hit it with a sword, really? I mean I guess that's better than just watching it go off, but still, it would not have made the situation any better. Anyway, what's going on here? I heard something from Karkat about the fabric of spacetime being ripped?"

"Yeah, literally. Rose's girlfriend is taking care of it. Now that we're - wait." Dave looked at Jade, and his eyes narrowed a little. "The fabric of spacetime was being ripped. Space and Time. How the fuck could you safely teleport when I can't even think about time traveling without having alternate me's pop up everywhere?"

Jade shrugged a little noncommittally. "Time travel is more hazardous than Space travel," she said. "It goes wrong in different and more ways."

"What the fuck does that mean?"

"That I may have misplaced the tip of one of my ears and part of my god tier outfit?"

Dave let his head fall onto the floor hard enough to make a thunking sound that echoed around the room. "Oh my god, Harley, you're a fucking moron."

"Excuse me! I just saved your life!"

"Yeah, but you could have lost an arm or a head or worse."

"But I didn't." She crossed her arms. "And I saved your life."

"Okay, okay," Dave said, turning his head to face her. "I think you're looking for a thanks. So thanks. I like being alive. But I also like it when you're in one piece so please try not to do it again."

Jade smiled. "No promises," she said.

* * *

A note on the time shit happening with the chatlogs: Dave is talking to the Jade in his present, as much as one can have a present when the fabric of spacetime is shredded and the experienced tailor is unavailable. However, when addressing Kanaya he is either talking to a past Kanaya or a Kanaya from a different timeline (it doesn't really matter which). The reason for this is simple; Kanaya's chat client is Trollian, which has the timeline feature and can be used to talk to people at different points on their personal timelines. Thus, Time shit fucks it up big time unless it comes in closed, logical loops. Pesterchum, meanwhile, has no such function and therefore Time shit is a great deal less likely to fuck it up. If the Alpha Humans had been involved, Dirk and Roxy's version of Pesterchum would have experienced some of the same fuckups as Trollian, since it has a limited time travel function. Jake and Jane's would not have, though. As for the version of Karkat that Jade was talking to, I have no fucking idea but it probably wasn't the one she thought she was talking to.

Also, in canon, the "X responded to memo" lines appear in line with all the rest of the memo text. I made an editorial decision to space it out to be less confusing. I also just guessed at what the "X ceased responding to memo" line would look like, because as far as I can see, no one actually has ever ceased responding to a memo of their own free will in canon. They always get banned.


End file.
